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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of 10k fun run and other funny jokes |
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Assorted Joke
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, 'You know sometimes I just forget to eat. ' Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, 'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'listen witch. . . do it and die!'The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him. )I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. 'If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?'
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Ethnic Joke - 1
Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who wereordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second nightout on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail, looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really startingto unwind. Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into theocean. They came up gasping and spluttering and saw the ship sailingaway from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen overboard he hadmanaged to grab a life preserver, and now he clung to it, desperatelytreading water. 'Hyman!' he called out, 'Hyman, can you float alone?''Oy vay!' called out Hymie from the dark waters. 'Vat a time totalk business!'
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Fishing Joke
What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse ? The Codfather !
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Funny Joke - 50 best Joke
I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, 'and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull. ' 'That's a shame. ' said his friend , 'How did it happen?' 'She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!'
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Joke for Kids
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens. 'We just tell them they're going to die. '
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Animal Joke
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building. . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I bought a dog the other day. . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
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Bumper Stickers - 2
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS
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Totally Weird Joke
MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir. . gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk. LAYING A CARPET Laying a carpet is. . very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay. HANGING WALLPAPER Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork. PUTTING UP A TENT Putting up a tent, is. . very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'. . slip in to the old bag. WASHING A CAR Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge. BEING IN THERAPY And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You. . get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money. BEING IN A CRASH Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is. . very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible. GOING FISHING Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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