The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

The Great Roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

There are three things Jewish people worship—God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. 

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, How insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again—this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered.